"Not Long Now" by Kerry Gubb

N

ot long now," the nurse says.

Can’t say I’ll be sorry when it comes.

I don’t want to die. I didn’t ask for this wretched cancer to eat away my life and wrack my body with pain.

So much pain.

So much.

They do what they can to mask the stench of death enveloping me, but it never fully works. I disgust myself. I hurt horribly.

So much pain.

So much.

They do what they can to ease it, but the drugs leave me stupefied and incoherent.

Is what I’m thinking now a single stream of consciousness or am I still fading in and out, as I have done for weeks on end?

"Not long now," they tell me.

Good.

I don’t want to die, but I can’t endure this much longer.

In the early stages I hoped for a miracle that didn’t come. So I’ve done my grieving this side of death. I don’t want to leave those I love. Even now, they still hope for a miracle. "Not long now" and I will have left them, and their hope for a miracle will mature into grief at my passing. I have sometimes thought it harder to die in faith than to be rescued with a miracle. "Not long now" and I’ll know for sure.

All my life I’ve hated and feared this enemy called death.

Everybody does.

But in the face of all this pain and suffering, the thought of "not long now" is almost a relief, an ironic source of hope.

It’s hard to think clearly when you’re hurting. There’s much in my mind and heart about what lies beyond the grave. I’ve walked with God for some time. Even now, as I lie helpless in the valley of the shadow of death, the Master holds my hand in his.

It’s one thing to imagine this pending moment when you’re young and healthy; quite another now that it has arrived. I am about to discover the truth or fallacy of all I have learned in walking with him.

It’s here.

I can feel it.

In the corner stands a single long-stemmed rose, brought by a friend.

So beautiful.

I’ll focus on it as I lapse again.

So beautiful …

As I lapse again …

… and again …

Not long now.

… and again …

WHAT ON EARTH!?

A sudden surge of something wonderful in an instant revives, relieves, rejuvenates, revitalizes me. Is this the miracle my loved ones hoped and prayed for till the very end? If it is, where’s my bed? Where’s the rose? Why am I so indescribably happy? What’s happening…?

I feel different—whole—free—free of pain. What happened to the pain? It already seems like a distant memory, but it was only seconds ago… or was it? Or was it a lifetime? Somehow it does not seem important. None of it now seems important.

I feel alive—more alive than I have ever felt before.

No more sorrow. No more pain. I feel tears, but they are tears of joy.

It can’t get any better than this, can it?

It can. I know it will. He said it would. I believe him!

I believed him in faith before this happened.

Now I cannot imagine ever having doubted. •

Still Small Voices by Shirley Henderson

I

was recently asked to be one of several guest speakers at a women’s conference in South Africa. It was clear that a lot of planning, preparation and prayer went into the presentations. Some were polished, some were full of humor, some were thought-provoking, some were all of the above. All of us who spoke wanted God to speak through us.

One speaker mentioned Elijah’s experience with God on Mount Horeb, and how God was not in the powerful wind, nor the earthquake, nor the fire, but instead God was in the small still voice. Another speaker discussed the topic of listening for God in the silence.

Interestingly, that is what happened at the conference. We guest speakers were polished, prepared and politic in our presentations. Some of us shouted, some quoted Scripture, some leaped or otherwise put on an impressive performance. But did the weight of our quoting Scripture generate the wind in which we would find God? Did the leaping antics and mimicry create the earthquake that would shake us to our foundations?

I’m not saying God was not in those things, but for me the voice of God was in the still small voice of one woman who stood up unprepared and spoke from her heart to the hearts of everyone there.

This woman was from Zimbabwe. She, along with seven other women from Zimbabwe, had traveled long and hard by bus, even crossing national borders, to join the conference. When asked about how our brothers and sisters in Zimbabwe were faring in the midst of the turmoil that has gripped that country, she smiled and said, "I don’t think the church in Zimbabwe has ever been so strong."

The still small voice of faith!

She then proceeded to tell us about the blessings that God has showered upon the church there: people helping one another out in times of crisis; needs being met through unexpected circumstances; members and congregations seeking ways and means to do mission outreach; spiritual growth in times of physical dearth.

But for me the most inspiring and humbling feature was that before she even began to speak, she asked us to join her in prayer. The first thing she did, before sharing what was happening in her country, was to offer her thanks and praise to God. When she finished telling us of the events happening in the churches in Zimbabwe, she offered up praise to our Lord for his abundant mercy once again. Her first and last thought in talking about the plight of our Zimbabwean brothers and sisters was in looking to the things that are above.

Her view of the Zimbabwean churches’ situation wasn’t the severe food shortages or the astronomical inflation that has made money virtually meaningless, nor the infrastructure that is scarcely recognizable as a structure. Instead her view was on the blessings that God has bestowed on them through spiritual growth and of individuals stepping up to shoulder the job of feeding the sheep.

She spoke with excitement of the baptism in one day of 60 people—people who had walked miles to a river to be baptized. She told how the women’s ministry in Zimbabwe, Zambia and Malawi will be celebrating their tenth annual retreat next year. That’s stepping out in faith.

Despite all the polished, well-prepared presentations, the real highlight of the conference was the message of positives in the face of a mountain of negatives brought by the ladies from Zimbabwe. In their "still, small voice" they modeled hope and faith and enthusiasm for us all. •

kai has moved in!

Some of the blogs that will be posted here were already posted some time ago in my other blog sites. I would just like to transfer some of them here since I don't have any new blogs yet. Most of them are written because at that moment they were made, I have felt the "need" to write. Blogging is a way for me to express myself, and save some thoughts for flashbacks since I am not the type of person who "remembers everything". I used to have my own handy and personal Journal, but I already have consumed every page of it and I can't find any of it available in the mall. With that, I resolved to have an online journal such as this one. Anyway, you can still visit my other blogs by clicking the links below:

Twistedrumbeats, Thoughts Avenue, Clinic Freak, Adventures of an Undercover, and
Window of the Drummer's Soul

What can you expect in KAIXWORLD?

• Daily Devotions
In Touch Ministries, Worldwide Church of God, and some from other christian websites
• Announcement of the Different Sched. of Events
University of Mindanao, WCG Davao/Philippines, and others
• Personal Blogs
• BTOP Blogs
• New Photos and Videos

Feel free to ask some questions here.. or email me at:
kaikee07@gmail.com
or
glenbelle_0602@yahoo.com

I'd be glad if you'd drop in some comments too!:)